The "F" Word

THE BIG 4-0hh!

I wrote this a few years back when I was about to turn 40, and then tucked it away. When I recently reread it I smiled at how some of the thoughts and beliefs are worth revisiting on a regular basis, so I offer it up to the world via my blog – in hopes that someone may get something out of it – even if it’s just a giggle.

Cheers ~ Mim*

Letters from the foxhole: Fighting the war on ageing one tantrum at a time

On Turning 40

(or $39.95 plus shipping & handling)

I’m a 1967 kid – cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!

Well, on November --^th 20-- (shhhh - secret), it’s going to happen, whether I fight it or not. With the tick of the clock at 12:01am I will be exiting my 30s, and entering a whole new decade where I get the privilege of using the ultimate “F” word:

FORTY!!!!

I demand a recount!!

In the Bible, 40 is the standard numerical value given to anything needing to be described as “a great many”. It took 40 days and 40 nights to flood the world with rain; Israelites roamed aimlessly for 40 years before finding the Promised Land; and before his crucifixion, Jesus spent 40 days in the desert, yet, in the Western World “Life begins at 40”.

So, my life is only JUST beginning? Is that it? So what’s it been so far, the warm-up?

Well, I’m not convinced. I still haven’t recovered from my thirties yet, or even started my mid-life crisis, and statistically speaking my life is already half over, so needless to say that I’m not quite packed for this great journey of being 40. Isn’t there an application form to fill out before becoming a ‘quadragenarian’?

In our 20s, we don’t care about what the world thinks of us. In our 30s, we care too much what it thinks of us. When we reach 40, we discover it wasn’t thinking of us at all.

Because I’m one of the first in my group of friends to reach this milestone, there’s a grave lack of people to gather information from on this topic. Pre-40s don’t have much to say about the subject other than teasing the person nearing it. In fact, they personally avoid thinking about the topic altogether, possibly hoping that if they keep quiet it may not happen to them. This explains the lack of enthusiasm for a big celebration by those who aren’t turning 40. Of course, all this will change when they near their 40^th, and expect nothing less than fireworks and a cast of circus clowns.

So I ventured out into that vast neighbourhood called the Internet in the hopes of gathering some useful tips on what to expect, and discovered that there are some definite does and don’t to embrace before stumbling into that new epoch.

Apparently, although I may still think that I’m young enough to give it a go, I should now be ‘old enough’ to know better. In my opinion I’m still only 21, with 19 years experience, but I’m expected to start knowing what it is I DO know. After all the education, therapy, kicks to the stomach, losses, setbacks, and triumphs, the world is supposed to begin making navigable sense to me now. I’m apparently going to start caring less about what others think, what I look like, and about the mistakes made in the past, while paying closer attention to the environment, the state of the world, and yoga!

They also say that I’ll start loosing my memory at 40. Well, thank Goddess I’ve got mine backed up on my computer. So many memories, so little RAM. So, does that mean that from now on I’ll be looking for trouble but forgetting why I cared?

I’ve read that I should strap myself in since 40 is believed to be every woman’s “launching pad”. This does cause me to seriously re-evaluate my wardrobe for the trip since, as the faithful day draws near, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve left something behind … my figure perhaps? Rumour has it that at 40 you’re still HOT, it just tends to come in flashes.

But aside from all these apparent jaded laments, I will not go down without a fight. I will take full advantage of modern science to dupe myself into staying as immature as possible. This model is a 1967 ORIGINAL – one owner – needs parts – make an offer! Classics never go out of style, right? Technically I’m ‘vintage’, and retro is in fashion. I’ve heard that 40 is the new 30, so I have to believe that it took me 40 years to look this good, or at the very least, to know that if I was a wine I couldn’t afford me. From now on, if anyone asks my age, I’ll start responding with: “formerly 39”. Hey, it worked for Prince!

Fortunately I’ve never bought into the poison that growing old is a terrible thing. I embrace this new life. Heck, I made it out of my twenties and thirties with most of my sanity and all my body parts; I should be able to conquer a new decade with style. I’ve come this far with a pretty good attitude, why change that now? I’m young at heart and only slightly older in other places.

When I think about all that I’ve done, I breathe a sigh of relief. Some of my classmates never made it past their teens, and a few are still stuck in them. Even if I don’t fit into my teen jeans anymore, I’ve managed to walk away with only minor regrets, and the wisdom to avoid them in the future (the regrets AND the tight jeans). Heck, I’ll be 40, and with no prison record! (I’m not quite sure if that’s something to be proud of, especially when it sounds more like I’m offering my friends a creative & challenging birthday present idea.)

People have told me that those turning 40 should make a bucket list of things to accomplish in their new decade. Sounds like aging people either have too much time on their hands, or turn into compulsive list makers, but I decided it couldn’t hurt. Here’s how far I managed to get:

1. Don’t Die!
2. Write a book. Sell at least 100 copies. (Mental note: get all my friends’ addresses and credit card numbers)
3. Learn a new language. (Not just the swear words - habla español?)
4. Discover a new country. (or Rediscover an old one?)
5. Get BACK in shape.
6. Enter a contest. (I think I’ll stick with an Art Contest, unless I manage to REALLY get into shape!)
7. Sing horrible Karaoke. (Maybe I’ll try out for “Singing Bee” or Idol? Although this one doesn’t really      appeal to me, after watching so many people at the mic with their eyes close while putting their heart & soul into belting out off-key lyrics regardless of who’s watching, I’ve come to believe that every human being should subject themselves to such a humbling experience. Again, this is not a challenge for a creative birthday gift!)
8. Do something that scares me or makes me uneasy at least once a month.
9. Put myself out there. (That’s one scary thing covered – maybe I’ll have an art show!)
10. Stop smoking. (Yet another scary thing!)
11. Rethink my least favourite food – tastebuds change. (Do I even have a least fav?)
12. Move into or build the house of my dreams. (I wonder if the Louvres is on the market.)
13. Make 10 new friends – one to mark each year.
14. Learn about a new religion or culture. Education on faith teaches a person how to believe.
15. Get a pet. Don’t let it die!
16. Forgive everyone, including myself. (Hasn’t it been long enough?)
17. Take up a new sport or two. (Snowboarding sounds intriguing, along with curling. Not together though!)
18. Learn to drive. (Send out an email-warning when I do)
19. Ride my bike. (Bush bash in Canada!)
20. Learn to play guitar. (5 songs in 2.5 years coming up!)
21. Take a cruise. (Alaska here I come!)
22. Buy a kayak, learn to use it properly, and then go kayaking with Killer Whales in Alaska. (That should cover a few scary moments!)
23. Set up my own website. (Peddle my art and my book.)
24. Teach a class again.
25. Take a class again.
26. Play! (Build sandcastles, fly kites, and jump in puddles.)
27. Dream big, aim high.
28. Read lots. (Start/join a book club.)
29. Find a great hairdresser, gynaecologist, and stockbroker. (Probably best if they are 3 separate people.)
30. Find my internal strength foundation to get me through any hard nights ahead without going crazy.
31. Find the perfect facial foundation to get me through the long days ahead without going ashy.
32. Find a cause, and fight for it in my own unique way.
33. Donate a painting to charity.
34. Give yoga a chance!
35. Learn at least the basics of car mechanics.
36. Learn to Tango.
37. Create a retreat in Mexico or Panama.
38. Live and let Live!
39. Live and let Die!
40. Live, Live, Live, and Live some more!

So, I am determined to glorify this new season (with all the seasonings) of being, and spice up my ‘prime’ years with the myriad of lessons I’ve been taught, which I’ll carry with me like a handbag full of useful goodies.

I’ve loved, I’ve lost, and I’ve learned that chocolate has some mysterious medicinal properties.

I’ve seen that life can set you back, sideswipe you, and sweep you off your feet in a matter of hours.

I’ve realized that some of the most important lessons come out of the harshest environments, and some of the most beautiful things can crawl out of the darkest and ugliest locations.

I’ve accepted that I know how to love as well as how to live through rejection.

I’ve come to understand that size DOES matter, one size does NOT fit all, and just because you can get a free refill it doesn’t mean you should.

I’ve come to appreciate that men don’t always think, and women sometimes do play games, and vice versa.

I’ve accepted that you can’t buy love, but that you can rent some really strange things in Vegas.

I’ve learned that friends are always around when times are good, it’s your shout, or they need a shoulder.

I’ve also learned that friends are nowhere to be seen when you’re falling apart, have to shift house, or need someone to pick you up.

I’m learning to move on, let go, and accept what I can’t change.

I fully believe that I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for whom I’m not. (Kurt Cobain Wisdom)

If life begins at 40, then I feel lucky enough to have a second chance at it, and I embrace the first day of my life. Welcome to my 1^st birthday.

Regards,

MCMLXVII

A.K.A.  Mim* – formerly 39.

Ps. Is it a cruel irony that 40 in roman numerals is XL? Perhaps I should dig up those old teen jeans, put them on EBay, and finally get something out of them.

Weaving Aussie Yarns - Dangers Down Under

In the mood for a wee visit to Oz?

Or perhaps you just feel like a giggle at someone else's expense (namely mine)?

Let me know if you're still up to venturing down under after you read:

             

Letters Home from Home

I must admit that when I first landed in Australia my "critter paranoia" ran a bit rampant.

Having watched one too many bloodcurdling documentaries, I knew that this land harbored countless hairy, scary, creepy-crawly things. My suspicions grew when even the travel agent cautioned about looking out for "things" everywhere: under chairs, behind bushes, in my shoes, in my clothes, in the bed, inside the car, and even in the refrigerator.

 

 Welcome to Australia 

 

If I had had any sense I might have heeded the words from this tongue-in-cheek tourism campaign by the "The Scared Weird Little guys"

SNIDER!! SPAKE!!! 

With all the words of caution I had received, if you wanted to get a quick rise out of me all you had to do was yell either, "Snake, snake!" or "Spider, Spider!" while pointing up or down, not even in the correct direction. To everyone's amusement I'd duck or jump appropriately corresponding to the angle of the finger. Yep, as soon as people find out you're new to the country you quickly become the latest party-favour.

Suddenly everyone felt entitled to dispense advice about my knowledge, or lack of, regarding the 'unfamiliar' hazards in my surroundings, adding to my caginess. They all had their own safety titbit, taking full advantage of my ignorance while looking like they cared, just to get a giggle. From drop-bears to car-chasing snakes, every urban legend in Australian history seemed to get a special invitation to the social functions I attended.

Over and over I was warned to be careful when lifting something up off the ground, before sitting or leaning on anything, or before digging into everything. From a garden bed, potted plant, to a bag of potato chips, nothing was safe. Needless to say, I was getting slightly unnerved and beginning to think that my house was Area 66.

Be prepared -       - but not too prepared!

Tales were told of giant fanged spiders, attacking killer scorpions, and ghastly deadly centipedes. It didn't help that I was already in the possession of a vivid imagination, which only fueled the Aussies' twisted sense of humor. So I went straight out and bought myself a pair of arm-length galvanized gloves, a crate of bug spray, and a sunhat the size of Manhattan that dropped 10lbs test netting down to my feet which tucked neatly into my knee-high, triple-stitched leather boots. I couldn't walk, could barely breath, looked ridiculous, but I was ready for almost anything now. All I had left to worry about where those dreaded 'climbers' since, under all this weight, I could easily topple over.

 

Look up! 

 

 

  There are things that can climb in Australia that are utterly terrifying. My first New Years Eve celebration was at a campground just outside of Perth, Western Australia. Shortly after dusk, being careful not to trip or step on anything, I made my way in the dark toward the black heap in the distance I knew was our vehicle to fetch some beverages. I looked at the tree we had parked next to, relieved to have located our car safely. The tree stood near the front tire closest to me, and I actually remember wondering why I had not noticed the funny bulging knot on its side. As I opened the door, triggering the interior light, two huge orbs where suddenly lit up next to me on the KNOT. That's when I realized IT wasn't a knot. We both froze staring at each other, not wanting to move, having no clue what the other species was capable of.

After I had been missing for a while, my friend finally decided to come looking for me, although I suspect that his concern was aimed more at finding out what was holding up the drinks. Rather than rescue me like the fearless hero I knew him to be in my dreams, he only managed to frighten me more by excitedly running around for cameras and witnesses before finally informing me that I was safe. He said it was a harmless Brushed Tailed Possum, and seemed to feel more anxiety for the animal than for me, mumbling softly to it as it crept away, "Did the big, bad, freaked-out Canadian scare the poor widdle possum?" If you ask me he looked ravenous, feral, and downright ferocious. The fact that he was shaking was obviously due to the anticipation of raking my eyes out and sinking his teeth into my juicy foreign flesh.

Stomp heavily to warn of your approach 

 

- and look ahead to spot potential dangers

 

Not having grown up in Australia, I wasn't used to even the simplest of tasks such as watching where I walked. Being slightly accident-prone to begin with, I usually have my work cut out for me with just keeping my balance, so stomping heavily to warn of my approach and looking at the ground ahead to spot potential dangers is just not something my body could handle without going into overload. This performance usually ended with me going ass-over-tea-kettle into the nearest mound of a porcupine-like, needle-sharp plant called Spinifex.

Something as simple as going on a drive in the middle of nowhere always ended up as a death-defying adventure when we'd break for a pit-stop on the side of some long stretch of lonely highway. Why I'd feel the need to find myself a bush when cars went by at monthly intervals is still a mystery to me, but I would. Old modesties die hard! My partner would shake his head and watch me head off with a hop in my step and a tiny roll of paper in my hand, giggling like an 8-year old discoverer. I'd carelessly skip along only to walk right into a huge spider web, flinging me back in a frenzied mass of flapping hands and kicked-up dust.

Look down! 

 

  Half the time I was so busy watching where I was stepping and looking at the ground ahead of me, that I would get overwhelmed and forget to look up. Then for a while the opposite would occur and I'd forget to look down, causing me to trip and tumble headlong into yet another spider web. After walking into several webs I adapted by starting to walk very, very slowly while waving my arms all about, looking as though I was attempting to take flight. It goes without saying that I was never nominated as excursion Leader.

I realize now that most of my fears were the result of not having a clue what to do during times of crisis in an unfamiliar country. It's not like the outback is littered with little glass cases that read, "In case of emergency break glass, cross your fingers, and try God because there's nothing here that can help you". Half the time you were lucky to get reception in the places I was brought to. I must admit that I did wonder if my partner might actually be trying to get rid of me in a place with endless spots to hide the body. I'm glad that I never had to find out whether or not I would have survived beyond the 911 operator's laughing & teasing as the poison pulsated its way towards my beating heart while I described the ridiculous events that lead me to that  desperate point.

 Australia - so many beautiful places - to ...

 

The Gruen Transfer - Australian Anti-Tourism #1

The Gruen Transfer - Australian Anti-Tourism #2

 

Trivia you may NOT want to know

There are 1500 species of Australian spiders!

Epi-pen to the rescue!

... or not!

Due to mild allergies of stinging insects in Canada, it was recommended that I carry an Epi-kit in my purse which I was expected to STAB myself with. This spike-tipped, epinephrine-filled tube is daunting to say the least, but when you see the size of some of the fangs which inject the venom it fights against, the needle no longer looks so bad. The real problem was in the timing. Those many times that I was busy placing myself in situations with those high risks of bites, nibbles, punctures, or stings, I rarely happened to have my fashionable purse slug across one shoulder. I may as well have painted a target on my butt. For all I knew, the Epi-pen only acted as postponement anyhow, while I tracked down and captured the 'attacker', mashed it up, dissolved it in milk, and drank it in order to be saved. 

 

Wear Sunscreen! 

 

  Finally, the Sun came into the picture. In Canada, I recall only once getting a slight burn on the tip of my nose and ears when I was a child, which just pealed and caused everyone to call me 'cute'. This memory combined with olive skin simply lulled me into the false belief that I was invincible against the sizzling power of this great golden orb. It didn't take long before Australia's rays set my olive skin ablaze into a tomato red hide. This set in motion the task of figuring out how to ease my seared & blistering skin, ending in an altercation consisting of threatening to throw myself at the pharmacist as though I had a contagious form of leprosy if he didn't make the pain go away.

 

Adapt 

 

 

After spending a decade in Australia, I got wiser and more informed about the dangers that lurked around me. I was more prepared and grew more confident as I stepped foot into the Aussie wilds. This was fortunate since my partner's work brought us to live in some interesting places. One of these noteworthy locations was up in the Pilbara of Western Australia, bringing me even closer to various new potential threats such as the fabled deadly Pilbara Cobra. Once again, I learned, adapted, grew, and lived on. The next things I knew someone was handing me a 'Hurricane Survival Kit'. 

 

 

 

The adventures continue

 

Koala bear in Canada

  Now, on yet another adventure, I find myself back in Canada, and having to explain to my Aussie partner why he should 'zip up' his coat, wear a 'tuque', and invest in a pair of boots rated to minus 71 degrees Celsius. Watching his inquisitive eyes as he tests to see if the ice is really as thin as they say, brings back old memories of a young woman tripping her way across Australia. Oh, how things have changed, from me looking out at the steaming Australian landscape as the walked off the plane, to my husband peering through our kitchen window every morning at the thermometer dangling outside, wondering if the 'cold spell' will ever end.

Just like those amusing Aussies did for me, I'll try to 'gently' ease him into the Country. (soft maniacal laughter)

Preventing bites from Animals in Australia

- a bit of seriousness

• 1 - Shake out things like shoes before putting them on - it's a favorite hiding spot for spiders and scorpions.
  If you can't see what's inside or beneath, don't put your hands or feet into or under things like rocks or logs, etc.
  Don't leave things lying on the ground that could provide shelter or cover for snakes since they tend to avoid open, exposed areas.
  Since most bites occur when people try to catch and handle dangerous animals, don't try to catch or pick creatures up.
• 2 - Snakes are especially dangerous when they're surprised, so when walking in the bush, particularly in the early morning stamp you feet occasionally. Snakes will move to holes and shelter as you approach. They are more scared of you than you of them so they will usually disappear if they know you are coming.
  If you get in a situation where you have a snake a few feet away from you, the best thing to do is to stand very still, and wait for the snake to leave.
  Carry a roll of crepe bandage with you when you go for a walk through the bush or long grass (in case of bite).
• 3 - If bitten - do not wash the bite area.
  Try to slow down the speed the venom travels through the body by wrapping a bandage firmly around the place where the bite is. This should not be so tight that the blood supply is cut off. If the bandage hurts it is too tight. DO NOT take the bandage off until you reach the doctor or the hospital.
  Try to avoid any unnecessary movement of this part of the body.
  Keep the injured person still. Do not let the person walk to get to help, bring help to the person, or carry the person to help.
  Try to keep the person calm. Poison spreads faster if the heart beats faster.
  Do not suck the bite.
  Do not try to catch or kill the snakes (You might get bitten too. Furthermore, snakes are protected in Australia.)
  Try to remember the color and shape of the snake to describe to the doctor.
• 4 - Wear shoes or scuba boots when walking in rock pools at the beach.
  Be very careful with shells, cans etc on the beach. They could have a dangerous animal hiding inside.
  Where possible swim at patrolled beaches and between the flags.
  Avoid swimming in canals or near a river mouth.
  Leave the water immediately if a shark is sighted.
  Avoid swimming alone; at dawn, dusk or at night, near schools of fish, or in murky waters.
  Never swim when bleeding.   

Oh My!

The Boss' Vacation to Australia

 

Dear Boss,

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:

Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.

Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White  shark.

Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.

Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a crock wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.

Have a nice trip!

Your Employees